I burned Thursday.
I cut last night.
I'm falling apart once again.
I don't want to, I really don't.
It's just really really hard.
I don't think anyone understands that.
Well, maybe some.
Most people don't though.
How you could want so much not to do something, yet still do it anyways.
Help.

I haven't posted a real post in over a week so we've got a lot of catching up to do.

Last Wednesday I got in a fight with my mom on the phone. We were talking about college. It's been my dream to go to Vermont for college for years. Like, years. And I know it's not as practical now, but I still want to look and see if it could be the right fit for me. So she told me a couple weeks ago that we would go spend an overnight up in Burlington and look at UVM and St. Michaels. Alright. So Wednesday she calls and says she doesn't want to leave for the night (Jeff) and also calmly mentions, "it's not even probable that you'd go there because you can't be at Andover High, so how would you survive in another state?" Legit. You can't make this shit up. Anyway, that pissed me off beyond belief and I told her that I wasn't going to spend any of this week at her house (which I was supposed to from Sunday to Sunday), and that I wasn't going to look at any colleges with her. On Saturday, my dad and I compromised that I would only have to see her twice during the week for lunch or dinner, and then spend the night on Friday at her house given that I could find somewhere to sleep on Saturday night. That's all worked out.

So on Thursday, I called Sarah after school because late on Monday night she told me that her aunt had kicked her out and that she was moving in with Mario and I wanted to see how that went. She said it went well, and then adds that she told Dr. Hollander about how she was having two babies not when she saw him the day before, and reminded me about our bet and how I owed her a burrito. Alright. That's fine. Good job. So I get to Ben's and I'm sitting in the waiting room with Ben and Liz (I think I've said something about her before in here before. Sarah's started calling her when I don't answer my phone. She knows the whole situation and is really nice.) and I told them about my conversation with Sarah like twenty minutes before. Liz immediately said that wasn't true because she'd asked Sarah the night before if she'd told him. Dr. Hollander came around the corner at the this point, and Ben said, "Ask him!" and I was like eeeehhhh.... and he was like, "No, really, ask him!" So I did, and he said he'd never been told that, and had no idea she was having twins. What a fucking coniving little bitch. So I texted her and was like, "Would you like to explain to me why you lied to me?" She finally called me on Saturday night and denied ever even saying to me that she'd told him. Ummm... bullshit? So that's what I told her, bullshit, and that I was done, and to not call again. I've put up with her shit for five months and I don't need to be flat out lied to.

Luccia's fashion show was also on Thursday. She looked so pretty, and afterwards I went to Erik's with her and Erin.

On Friday I saw the Vagina Monologues in Harvard Square at a theatre on the Harvard campus. Irene was in it, and it was awesome. I loved it. It was intense during some of the monologues, but others were more light and extremely funny.

I spent Saturday night at Sarah Rose's house. That was a good time.

Sunday to yesterday I went to Provincetown. Pretty low key. Last night I got a call from Sarah but I let it go to voicemail. The message said that she was sorry and that she'd learned her lesson and that I was the only person that'd been there for her this whole time, yaddah yaddah yaddah. She left Jesseckya (one of the secreteries at Ben's) pretty much the same message. Screw her.

Today I went to see Ben. We talked about change and how my guilt is unjustified a lot of the time. He's chill.


currently listening to: Therapy by India.Arie
Breathe in (breathe in)
Let it go (shout it out)
Take deep breaths and real slow, calm down
Close my eyes (soft spoke)
Ease my mind (take control)
Follow my body please
Work your psychology

You've taken good care of me
Always been there for me
Boy I can't bear to leave
Cause I need your therapy
You've given me everything
So much I ever could need
Without you I'm weak in the knees
I need your therapy

I need your therapy
I need you to come and lay hands on me
I need your therapy

Do you know who you are or are you still searching?
I think that I have a pretty good idea, considering my current state and surroundings. I think that something gets thrown at you though, and it changes who you are, and you have to start searching again. So you're never really done, are you?

If you were adopted would you want to know your birth parents?
I'm not sure.

Do you have morals for yourself?
Yes.

What keeps your heart beating?
My friends, music, and The Office.

Do you curse like a sailor?
Eh. I can.

Can you snap your fingers?
Yup.

Can you whistle with your fingers in your mouth?
NO BUT I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO!!

Don't you hate when people walk in on you while you're using the bathroom?
Umm, yeah I guess...

Are you grateful for what you have?
Very. Sometimes it doesn't seem like I am, but I really do recognize how many positives there are in my life.

What was the last movie you saw in theaters?
Slumdog Millionaire.

Is there a certain breed of dog you just can't stand?
Not really. I'm not a huge fan of dogs in general, unless they're really chill.

Do you own any stuffed animals?
Mmmhm. I have a few bears, and then I have the dolphin Jackie got me from the Bahamas while I was in the hospital. Maybe a few more?

How long until your next birthday?
That's weird, we talked about that on the bus today. Um, two months and six days.

When was the last time you had peanut butter?
A couple weeks ago.

Do you try to blend in with the crowd, or prefer to stand out?
A little bit of both. I usually blend in though, I think. At least in situations where I'm uncomfortable, which is most of the time.

Say something about the last person to comment you on Facebook:
Pat is chill. He should be at my school. Instead he goes to stinky Broc Hall. It's not really stinky but it is because it's stealing him from me. :P

What was the last book you read?
I'm reading The Red Tent... the same book for the past two months. I don't have time to read anymore.

How are you currently feeling at the moment?
Pretty good.

And the reason for that feeling?
I saw Ben today, and that always makes me feel better.

Do you like the winter?
Yeah I do, because I really like snow, except not when it's brown and gross on the side of the road.

What was the last thing you bought?
A mint mocha and an espresso brownie from Starbucks

How much did you spend on it?
$5.36. I don't know why I remember that exact number.

What do you currently hear?
Bruises by Chairlift.

Anything hurting on you right now?
Eh.

Do you like video games?
I like Guitar Hero. And shooting games like Call of Duty. I like shooting. :]

Anything you're looking forward to?
Luccia's fashion show on Thursday.

Are you currently missing someone?
Yeah.

Anything you're wanting to say to someone right now?
Yes -- Leave me alone. That'd make things so much easier.

Do you have anything in your room that has penguins on it?
I don't think so.

What's the most random thing in your room?
A light-up gnome.

Do you say "like" too much?
Probably.

What was the last thing you ate?
Chicken soup that my dad made.

Are you currently on a diet?
Nope.

What did you do last Thanksgiving?
I went to my Aunt Laurie's.

Bright colors or pastels?
Bright colors.

What's something you're really wanting right now?
For it to be tomorrow.

On average, how much TV do you watch each day?
Ummm it's usually on while I'm in the kitchen but I'm not really watching it. I have certain nights where I have quite a few shows I watch, but not every night.

Do you need to do laundry?
I always need to do laundry...

Do you play any instruments?
The double bass.

Plans for tomorrow?
School, sit on the computer, photography, Lie to Me.

When was the last time you colored in a coloring book?
A couple weeks ago. I color a lot. It calms me down.

Are you really a kid at heart?
I guess so.

--

Have you ever given up on someone but then went back to them?
Yeah.

What were you doing at 10:30pm last night?
I don't remember. Probably sitting right here.

Is your room ever clean?
Only when people are coming over.

What if you had a baby with the last person you texted?
Impossible. I wouldn't let that happen.

Do you think you can last an hour without talking?
If I'm alone, yeah. Or if I'm upset.

What are you currently stressed out about?
Sarah. The whole other not to be named situation. My mom.

When did you last see your #1?
#1 what?

What should you be doing right now?
My French homework.

Do you like anyone right now?
Eh.

Who was the last male you talked to?
Tom.

Do you plan on moving within the next year?
Nope.

What cell phone company do you use?
Verizon.

Did you watch the Super Bowl?
Not really. Sorta.

What is your middle name?
Glenne.

Do you have to drive over a bridge to get home?
From where?

Do you currently have any bruises on you right now?
Yup. Always do. right now they're on my right ankle and leg. I have one in a random spot on my arm too.

What brand are your favorite jeans that you own?
Express.

What is your favorite number and why?
17. It just is.

Who did you kiss on New Years '08?
No one.

Have you ever fired a gun?
In video games!

Why are you currently at home?
Because I have nothing better to do?

Last text message in your inbox?
"Ok we will b here"

Last one in your outbox?
"Haha alright. I don't get out of Ben's til late but I'll come on Thursday."

Do you believe in perfection?
I'm a perfectionist, but I fail miserably. Nah, I guess not.

Is there anyone you would do anything for?
A select few.

Are you currently waiting on something or someone?
My daddy to get home.

Are you satisfied with what you currently have in life?
Yeah. I'm not so satisfied with some situations going on, but I'm too scared to do anything about them, because it could cause disruption and anger and I don't want that.

Will you be in bed within twenty minutes?
Nah.

Does the future scare you?
Sometimes.

How many letters are in your last name?
Six.

Do you clean when you're upset?
Nope.

Do you always answer your phone?
No. I sometimes don't feel it if it's on vibrate, and I screen some people's calls.

Do you sleep on your stomach?
Sometimes. Mostly on my side.

Has anybody ever called you beautiful?
Yeah. It makes me uncomfortable.

How is your heart right now?
It's there. Beating. Chilling out.

Is anyone overprotective of you?
Yeah.

Do you like Valentine's Day?
I don't have any strong feelings towards it.

Have you done anything embarrassing today?
Yeah. I said something weird in math but I can't remember what it was. Guess it wasn't that bad.

Tell me about the shirt you're wearing:
I have a laced white cami under a grey and blue zip-up hoodie on.

Do you like Red Bull or Monster better?
I've never had monster, and I've never had plain Red Bull so, I don't know.

Do you remember who you liked in 4th grade?
Aiden Gillis. Don't hate. I realize I was insane.

Have you texted a lot today?
Somewhat. Not in the last couple hours.

Is there someone that makes you happy every time you see them?
Yeah.

Does the thought of marriage scare you?
No. I can't wait to get married. Actually I can, but I wish it was here already.

Did you wake up in the middle of the night last night?
Nah, Nyquil made me sleep soundly.

Last thing you illegally did?
Drank.

Last time you laughed really hard?
Today. Ben's funny.

Do you know anyone by the name of Lee?
I don't think so.

Does anyone call you baby?
Yeah, and it pisses me off beyond belief. He does it just to annoy me though.

Have you ever written anything on a bathroom wall or door?
I've painted on my door.

Do you have any friends from another state?
Yup.

Do you blow dry your hair?
Nope.

Would you ever get a tattoo?
I can't wait!

Is there anything that you're craving right now?
To listen to the new India.Arie CD.

My mom's this weekend didn't go so well. I did go to Kelsey's on Saturday with Allie and Kelsey's friend Siobhan. We went to see Slumdog Millionaire which was really really good. The we just chilled and did our thing... ;)

Today we did our Spanish "The Office" parody. It came out alright I think. I had glassblowing, and I MADE MY FIRST GOOD CUP! It came out really cute. It's small and... agh I love it. I'm so excited. Jane and I both made one, both on our second try. Then I went to youth group, and we played the "Worst-Case-Scenario Game". It was alotta fun :]. Then we played a couple other games and chilled while eating cake. It was a good time. A lot of people were there tonight... me, KP, Pat, Chris, Ryan, Allie, Chip, Lauren, Thomas, Katie D, Rachel, umm and a few other people as well.

Tomorrow I'm going to see Ben. I'll probably have to take the train from North Station to Lowell afterwards, which is fine but it sucks 'cause I'll have been on public transportation for about a total of three hours... boring. It's alright though. Hopefully Tom works and I won't have to take the train anywhere. I don't mind it though. It sort of clears my head to take the train.

I'm getting sick. I just took a whole bunch of Nyquil and it's making me tired.


currently listening to: Ungodly Hour by The Fray
And I am short on words
Knowing what's occured
She begins to leave, because of me
Her bag is now much heavier
I wish that I could carry her
But this is our ungodly hour

There's so much to say, yet I don't know where to start. I'll probably leave a lot of it out because I don't really want to talk about it all.

I threw up at school on Monday. I think it was because I got so anxious.

I saw Ben yesterday after I sat at home all day. It was good to see him, and it was helpful, but I just didn't feel like talking. Everything's been setting me off lately... my fuse is really short.

I don't know; so much is going on that I don't know how to put it into words.


currently listening to: Gravity by Sara Bareilles
Something always brings me back to you
It never takes too long
No matter what I say or do
I still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone
You hold me without touch
You keep me without chains
I never wanted anything so much
Than to drown in your love
And I feel your rain

Set me free, leave me be
I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity
Here I am and I stand so tall
Just the way I'm supposed to be
But you're onto me
And all over me.

I didn't go to school today. I feel sick. I'm too anxious. My room was a disaster area. I'm falling apart.


currently watching: Trust Me

Well then.

Friday was the Winter Ball. It was really nice, and I had fun. I got really upset over some stupid things though, and it put me in a bad mood for a little while. It's alright though. Afterwards, Nick, Laura, Michalea, Kell, Greg, Erik, Luccia, Erin, Jeff, and Kristen came over. I made a cake for Erik's birthday too. We had a good time. Kell, Erin, and Luccia slept over, and we pretty much finished off the cake for breakfast.

Saturday, I took a long nap and Sarah Rose slept over. It was good to see her... she's such a good person to talk to. We get each other really well. We went to see Olivia's play, and then went out to the 99 to eat. We talked to Jeff for a long time on the phone, and just hung out. She's my biffle :)

Yesterday I missed church because my dad left without me and didn't wake me up. Sucks. It's alright though, I guess. I just sat around the house all day and did nothing. I sort of watched the superbowl, and then Jeff called around 10:30 but I told him I couldn't talk because The Office was coming on, which was awesome! :) I called him back afterwards though and we talked for a while.

I threw up at school today, but I feel somewhat better now. Not great, but not awful. I'm going to The Committee meeting tonight, but Thomas just texted me and said he's sick so he's not going, which sucks. KP will be there though, and so will Allie, which'll be good.

Tomorrow I'm seeing Ben afterschool, thank goodness. Lots has been going on, and I need to talk to someone about it.

Manny's friend Charlie is living with us for the next two weeks. He's really fun, and I'm excited. :)


currently listening to: I'm Not Over by Carolina Liar
What a waste of time, the thought crossed my mind
But I never missed a beat
Can't explain the who or what I was
Trying to believe
What would you do?
What would you do?
Do you know?
I once had a grip on everything
It feels better to let go

Top 6 Stories for the Week:

1) The Winter Ball is on Friday! I'm really excited/not excited at all about it. I know that's contradictory... there are some positives and negatives about going. People will most likely end up at my house afterwards, which will be fun. My dress is very simple... it's dark teal. I got a matching necklace that's really pretty, and I got simple black flats to go with it all.
2) Sarah is driving me up a fucking wall. She only calls when she's upset. She never wants to just talk. That's frustrating. Dr. Hollander says that he's not going to be her therapist if she keeps lying to him, which she continually does.
3) I love Sarah Rose. She's been there for me a lot the last couple days, as I have been for her, I think. She'll most likely stay here on Saturday night because her parents are out of town.
4) Speaking of Saturday night, Erik is having everyone go to Hooters to celebrate his birthday. I don't think I'll go though, partly because Sarah is sleeping over and partly because Olivia's in a play that I might have to go see. Ah Idk.
5) I'm in a fight. With a girl. That I care about a lot and used to be really good friends with. And if you're reading this, I'm sorry that it's come to this. I really am.
6) I talked to Ian on Sunday night. :) He said he's doing well, and that he's made friends, but his roommate still hadn't shown up. He said there's not much partying since it's a dry campus. Idk, it was really god to talk to him, I miss him a lot.


currently listening to: We Live by Superchick
Tragedy is a reminder to take off the blinders
And wake up and live the life we're supposed to take up
Moving forward with all our heads up, 'cause life is worth living

We live we love
We forgive and never give up
'Cause the days we are given are gifts from above
And today we remember to live and to love

Heylo!

My day so far has consisted of:
1) Shower.
2) Reading.
3) Talking to Jeff.
4) Playing RockBand
5) Vacuuming.

Soon:
1) We will have roast beast for dinner. :)
2) KP is coming/sleeping over.
3) KP and I will watch TV and play RockBand and do what girls do.
4) I will probably not sleep very much.

Tomorrow:
1) I will go to church.
2) I will buy shoes for the Winter Ball.
3) I will do the massive amount of homework I've accumulated this week.


currently listening to: Angels on the Moon by Thriving Ivory
So don't tell me if I'm dying
'Cause I don't want to know
If I can't see the sun,
Then maybe I should go
Don't wake me 'cause I'm dreaming
Of angels on the moon
Where everyone you know never leaves too soon

I haven't written since I got back, sorry.

We stopped to see Liz and Brett and the kids in Pennsylvania on Monday, and eventually got home around six at night. I'm really glad to be home.

I saw Ben yesterday. He still wants me to come twice a week, even though the holidays and Virginia are over. At least for a little while. That's okay, I'll get to see Sarah for a little bit at the end before her group starts, and that's good. She told Dr. Hollander. Actually, Mario did. But at least he knows now and Ben doesn't have to say anything... that would suck. I guess Dr. Hollander was pissed though, and he was like I knew it from the beginning and I can't believe you lied to me. CALLED IT.

Photography started tonight, and glass fusing is tomorrow after I go see Ben. I get to see Jane :] Photography was alright, but this woman was touching me while she was talking to me and it was bothersome. Also, these two girls that are probably my age or a year younger are in it, but they're somewhat bratty. At least they seem like it. Oh well.


currently listening to: Cemeteries of London by Coldplay
So we rode down to the river where teh toiling ghosts spring
For the curses to be broken
We go underneath the arches where the witches are in the saying
There are ghost towns in the ocean, the ocean
Singing la la la la la la, hey
And the night over London, hey

It took us sixteen hours and two days to get here, but we are. We got to my Aunt Puddin's around 5:45 tonight, more than twenty-four hours after we left which is an absolutely rediculous and uncalledfor story, but I'll tell it anyway. So my dad took us out of the way about two hours so that we wouldn't hit D.C. traffic for the Innauguration. Sounds like a good idea, right? Well, what he didn't tell us was that he was going to take us ANOTHER TWO FUCKING HOURS out of the way to see this campground that he used to camp at when he was little waaaaaay up in a mountain. I mean waaaaay up. So we get up this mountain, we drive around the campground, go back down. At the bottom, Buch-something or other, this barren quaintish town is calling Manny's name. So we eat at this diner there, and get flowers for some family members, and then we leave. So now we're four hours + pit stop time out of our way. We could've gone through D.C. quicker, Gah. But we made it.

We went out to dinner -- we meaning: me, Olivia, Jessica, Manny, my Dad, my cousin's Emily & Caroline, my aunt MaryBeth, my great-Aunt Puddin', my dad's cousin and his wife Howlett and Paula, their son and his wife HB and Danielle, and Howlett's and Paula's grandson.. I can't remember his name. We went to Pizza Hut. w00t hahaha. No, but it was good to see everyone I suppose.

My uncle John never responded to my dad's email or call about seeing us. My dad is trying to make excuses for him, but it's complete bull shit. I'll send him an email and bitch him out. It's rude. It hurts to know that your own uncle doesn't give enough of a shit to even make an effort to see you when you travel all this way.

I also went to my grandparent's graves today. there's a stone for my grandfather, but my stupid uncle won't agree to a stone for my grandma, so there isn't one yet. After two years. We layed roses down for each of them. I haven't cried that hard in a while. It's really difficult for me, more than my sisters. I don't know.

Alright, SNL's on, and I have to take a shower.

Oh, and I pet two goats named Honeybunn and Doughnut. I thought Doughnut's name was Sugar, but it's actually Doughnut. I also held a chicken. Amazing, the life experiences you can have in the boonies.

Thursday was a complete nightmare. Complete. For lots of reasons I'd rather not discuss.

Friday was stupid. Laura wasn't at school, Kelsey was in Peggy's office the whole day, I went to the eye doctor and I cried myself to sleep because my mom and Jeff were fighting really loudly.

Saturday I had a driving lesson in the morning and went to the mall. I had to page Ben that night because my mom and Jeff were arguing again, and I was having flashbacks and didn't feel safe. He helped me calm down a little though. I still cried myself to sleep again.

Yesterday I went to church, but me and Thom were the only youth there, probably because of the snow. It was nice though. I was supposed to go back to my mom's afterwards but she called and basically said that she thought it'd be a waste of time for me to come just for a few hours. Whatever. So my dad and I went out to lunch, and we talked a lot about the situation at my moms house with her and Jeff fighting and how unsafe it makes me feel. My sisters have to put up with it everyday. If I had my way, DSS would've been involved eight years ago, when it started. It's extremely complicated. I talked to Jeff for a really long time last night too.

Today I had another driving lesson, but it was just me and KP. Our instructor was really chill. I liked him a lot. He let me and KP get dropped off at church which was good cause I got to see Andrew and Pat and Allie and everyone else.


currently listening to: Silent All These Years by Tori Amos
Cause what if I'm a mermaid
In these jeans of his with her name still on it
Hey but I dont care cause sometimes, I said sometimes
I hear my voice and its been here
Silent all these years

Years go by will I still be waiting
For somebody else to understand
Years go by if Im stripped of my beauty
And the orange cloud raining in my head
Years go by will I choke on my tears
Till finally there is nothing left
One more casualty
You know were too easy easy easy








I miss the way things used to be.

Hi.

Kell's having a really rough time. I don't really feel comfortable saying why here, just because I don't know who reads it, and it's pretty private. She is going through a lot though, and I'm actually really scared for her. Think about her, I guess.

I talked to Jeff on the phone for almost three hours last night. I'm very over having a relationship with him, like, very very over... but I can't seem to... I don't know. Everyone tells me he's bad news, and I recognize that a lot, but I also think that a lot of people don't see in him what I do. He's really a nice guy, and I feel like he cares. Many say that he just tells me what I want to hear. And I believe that to an extent. I don't disregard their opinions, but they don't really know him in the sense that I do. However, I've realized that a relationship with him wouldn't go well, and he's going out with Kristen. Which still bothers me. I feel like she picked him over me. And while that may not be true, or her intention, the feeling still sucks.

My DMH case worker was supposed to come over today, but she called and cancelled at the last minute. Oh well. I still have to go to my psychiatrist's later.

I'm going to Virginia over Martin Luther King Jr. Day weekend. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I've been waiting to go for so long, and I was so disappointed the last time we couldn't go back in October. I just feel like I just got through the holidays, and now I'll have to go back to more sad times. It'll be good though, I hope.

Ben thinks after my trip to Virginia, if I'm doing better, then I can move down to once a week. He's going to let me take the Glass Fusing Jewelry class at EAC on Thursdays for the eleven weeks, and then go up to the next level group, which he actually teaches. It'll mean leaving Sarah in the other group, but I think I'm okay with that. I'll still see her and talk to her. I don't think she'll be okay with it, but... I don't know what else to do. I can't stay in Skills Group 1 for the rest of my life.


currently listening to: Belly Up by Maria Mena
Our old world is hard to find
I doubt it was ever mine to keep
Were you always this unkind?
We lie belly up in the pool of us
We lie belly up in the pool of us
I don't recognize your doubt
Please say something darling,
Shout at me
How unfair to shut me out
We lie belly up in the pool of us
We lie belly up in the pool of us
I must say I'll always love you,
Even if it hurts.

currently listening to: Cause and Effect by Maria Mena (I just got this CD, I love it)
I can’t laugh to hard I’m on a diet
I’m trying to lose myself
You ought to try it
Just starve for 6 days straight
Oh it’s a riot
Every Sunday night

I binge and I barf cause I carry the scars of an eight-year-old
Who’s mother applied the same rules to a kids body
As her own

I think you’ll leave me soon
Though I’ve no proof of it
But I’ll make it easier for you
By being a little bitch
And this is just the fear
But I think the reason
Why I’m scared you broke is

The only male influence I’ve had
After daddy went and left
Were my mother’s weekend lovers and
Their alcoholic breath

I’ll tell you what caused it
If you handle the effects
Yes I’ll tell you what caused it
If you handle the effects



P.S. I updated the userinfo... since it hadn't been updated in literally a year. Check it out :]

I watched Bones all day yesterday. Then went to see Valkyrie. Sick day, huh?

Church was cool today. I sat with KP, Thom, Allie and Lauren. Pat was there too :) I love that kid. Allie gave me my birthday present from April, haha. She gave me converse with daisys on them. They're really really cool.

Gah.


currently listening to: You Found Me by The Fray
In the end, everyone ends up alone
Losing her, the only one who's ever known
Who I am, Who I'm not and who I want to be
No way to know
How long she will be next to me

Lost and insecure, you found me
You found me
Lying on the floor, surrounded
Surrounded
Why'd you have to wait? Where were you?
Where were you?
Just a little late, you found me
You found me

This is a short one...


Is there a big difference between, “I love you,” and, “Luv ya?”
- Context.

Where did you get the shirt you're wearing?
- The cami is from my nana, and the sweatshirt is from Maine.

Are you happy?
- Yeah, yeah.

Have you ever had a pet fish?
- Mmmhm.

What's on your wish list for your birthday?
- Nikon D40.

Does the future make you more nervous or excited?
- I think different aspects make me more nervous than others. I'm excited to move on though.

Did you kiss or hug anyone today?
- Si.

Do you believe that everything happens for a reason?
- Actually, I believe that a lot.

How many kids do you want to have?
- Two.

Last time you cried?
- Yesterday.

What were you doing this morning at seven a.m.?
- Sleeping.

Where have you lived throughout your life?
- Andover is my home.

Where were you Friday night?
- It is Friday night, and I'm at home :)

Do you have any piercings?
- Yep. Want more.

Closest blue object to you?
- Scissors.

Where will you be in an hour?
- Here.

Have you ever been in a really big fight with a best friend?
- Yeah.

Do you have a best friend to lean on?
- Yes.

Name something you CANNOT wait for?
- Jane's boyfriend to fucking get here and make some friends. I need a boy.

Who's making you feel the way you are right now?
- Rachael Yamagata. Her music makes me happy.

Have you ever felt replaced?
- Very.

Where were you at eleven p.m. last night?
- Watching movies with Greg, Kell and Jane.

How many hours did you sleep last night?
- Eight or nine?

Are you the same person as you were at the beginning of 2008?
- Not at all. I was cutting, I was in programs. I've evolved from that point in my life, and I don't want to go back there. 2009 is going to be a good year.

Relationship status?
- Single and very ready to mingle.

Do you cook?
- I do.

What's the closest red object to you?
- Sharpie.

What posters do you have on your wall?
- Two maps from Pulp, a trippy gnome/mushroom neon poster, and colages.

Who was the last person you spoke to on the phone for over an hour?
- Jeff or Sarah.

Are you afraid of falling in love?
- Somewhat.

When was the last time you saw your dad?
- A half hour ago?

Can you cook mac 'n cheese?
- Yes.

Who was the last person you had a phone call with?
- Sarah Rose.

Do you laugh enough?
- Yup.

Look to your right, what is there?
- The dining room.

Were you happy when you woke up today?
- Yes.

Does it matter to you if your boyfriend/girlfriend smokes?
- Nah.

Where is your phone?
- On the desk in front of me.

Do you need to say anything to anyone?
- Yeah.

Who was the last person you had an argument with?
- I'm not sure.

What are you currently doing besides this?
- Listening to music and talking to Matt.

Any plans for tomorrow?
- Not really. I was supposed to hang out with Rachel but I don't know if that'll work out.

Are you going to be home alone tonight?
- Nope.

How has this week been?
- Pretty good.

Is someone mad at you right now?
- Not that I know of.

Are you keeping a big secret right now?
- I have my secrets. Most of them are shared here.

Do you always answer your phone?
- Nope.

How long can you go without your phone?
- I'm not sure.

Did you like 2008?
- Some parts were good. Ben would be proud of my dialectical thinking there.

Have you ever fallen asleep in someone's arms?
- Mmmhm.

Happy 2009!

I had an awesome time in Provincetown with everyone. Greg and Kell got in a car accident on the way, but they're perfectly fine. Greg's car... not so much. Someone rear-ended him really really badly. The whole back crushed into itself. We went today to the mechanic and the police department on the way back to get the report and everything out of his car. Anyway, we had a really good time. We went to Fanizzi's for dinner on New Year's Eve, after we spent the day playing catch phrase and walking around, and then came back and made fondue and played more catch phrase. Erik and Luccia broke up that night, and he ended up sleeping in the basement the rest of the trip and not talking to anyone. I think they might be back together now though... I don't know, it's complicated. Erik, Luccia, and Laura left on New Year's Day, but Kell & Greg stayed with Jane and I until today. Last night, we watched Best in Show and Milwaukee, Minnesota. It was a lot of fun.

I survived Tennessee. w00t. I survived the holidays. w00t. I feel like I'm defying... I don't know it's hard to explain. But I'm finally proud of myself.

Other shit is going on that I don't really want to write about because it'll just be a downer, so whatever. I think I'll do a survey now.


currently listening to: Hypnotize by System of a Down
She's scared that I will take her away from there
Dreams that her country left with no one there
Mesmerize the simple minded
Propaganda leaves us blinded
I'm just sitting in my car and waiting for my girl

Hola from Tennessee.

I am here against my will. It hasn't been too bad. I had a rough night last night, and I had to page Ben twice which I don't like to do. He was really helpful, because I have very limited resources here so he gave me some skills to use to calm down.

My Nana was wareally surprised when we came, so was my Papaw. I've eaten so much here I could puke. I leave tonight to go back my aunt's tonight in Nashville, and I fly out tomorrow morning. I get to Manchester around 3:30. Maybe I'll try to see if I can see Sarah tomorrow, because I leave on Tuesday for Provincetown. Jane's coming with me too. Then everyone comes New Year's Eve :)

I saw Tiffany yesterday. She seemed okay. The babies are adorable, but they made me think about Sarah. I'm really worried she won't be able to take care of them, and treat them the way that they deserve. She doesn't have a lot of money. I want them to have a good life. I've already bought them a ton of clothes, and I'm going to make them each a blanket. I... I just don't know what to do. I want what's best for them, and Sarah keeping them just doesn't feel right. I know she'd never give them up for adoption... I don't know. She's already told me that I'll probably be their godmother. I know that once they're born I won't be able to seperate from them. I care about her, and I want to care about the boys so much. I feel responsible for them somehow in a weird way. She found out on Friday that one of the boys has a heart defect. It's fixable with surgery, but again, Sarah doesn't have a lot of money and her aunt's not being very supportive, so I don't know what will happen.

I'm crying, I have to go.

I didn't get a chance to finish the post yesterday... whatever.

I went to church on Sunday, a lot of people were there. Hannah Hoerner, the Brown twins, Kirsten, Dennis, MaryAlice, Sean, Ryan, Thom, Kelsey Perkins, Emily, and lots more. It was good to see everyone. I gave my secret santa present to Sean, so that was good. It was the Hallelujah Chorus service, which was cool.

Cameron came home on Friday night! :) I was supposed to go to Laura's with everyone for a Christmas party with everyone and see him, but it didn't happen because it snowed like a foot and a half. He came to school on Monday though, so I got to see him then. He looks like a caveman, but he seemed really good :P

Youth group was amazing on Monday night. It was cake night, and it was awesome. Thom gave me my secret santa gift -- a tie-dye kit and a borders giftcard -- perfect for me :)

I came to my mom's last night after going to see Ben. It took me and my dad two and a half hours to get from Harvard Square to Lowell. It was intense. We did Christmas a day early at my moms, so this morning we got up and opened presents like we normally would tomorrow. I got a peacoat, Bones season 3, some kitchen stuff, clothes, and money from my grandparents and my great-grandmother.

I spent the day watching Bones, and my mom's making dinner right now. Afterwards, I'm going to church to the midnight service. A lot of my friends are going, which'll be good. Plus, the midnight service is my favorite of the year. At the beginning, the room is lit. There's no sermon, we just sing hymns and highschool/college kids read scripture in between. After each scripture reading, the lights dim a little bit more, until the room is completely dark. Then, we "pass the light" of candles, which everyone gets at the beginning. It's amazing, I love it.

Tomorrow, I'm opening presents with my dad and Manny, and then he's taking me to the airport to go to Tennessee. My mom leaves tomorrow to go to Ohio, and will come to TN on Saturday night. I'm not very pumped. I want to see Tiffany (my cousin with the brain tumor), but I really don't want to be away from home right now. I have planned check-ins with Ben a lot of days, and he's on pager if I need him and my dad packed me a boat load of my PRN for anxiety, so I should hopefully be okay.


currently listening to: What if I Leave by Rachel Yamagata
Why won't you play?
You've gone and left your face
I may be a fool all along
but I never understood these rules

Oh and every street calls your name
A whispering ghost of neighborhood flame
Maybe in time you will wake up to find you're free
What if I leave?

So I've been busy working on a ton of projects this week, and therefore haven't had enough time to post that much.

I've had two French projects, a first draft of a paper, and TAL to do. I'm still not done with one of my French projects, and I still have to do TAL. Grrrr.

I'm at my moms this weekend. Last night was kind of rough, but we're spending the day making sugar cookies and heath bar today, so that's nice.


gah I have to go I'll edit/finish this later today.